Here and Now

Sometimes I feel guilty about my blog. Guilty in the sense that by and large, according to this blog life is just peachy at the Modlin casa, when the truth of the matter is far from that. But does it matter what I put on here? Isn't this just my photo album or scrapbook? If I was working on a Creative Memories scrapbook right now, I would be making pages about vacations and funny things the children do.

So why do I feel guilty? Maybe because I am just too tired to feel anything else right now. It has been a rocky few months. Maybe because I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. There are very happy and precious moments in this house. In this family. In this life.

The last 2 months have been by far the lowest two months in my life. Two people I love more than words can describe....well, you know.  There are career issues every where we turn in this house and trials and adversity all around us and with some of the people we care about most.

But I think things are turning around. Dad has 7 radiation treatments left. S-E-V-E-N. Jane is no longer in pain.  I witness other miracles happening all around me every day. God is still at work in our lives. He has never left me in these past 2 months. And as sad as it is to say, there are tons and tons of families out there with worse adversity than I've experienced.

A dear friend remarked to me the other day that she thought I was handling everything so well and that I was always exclaiming how blessed I am, even throughout this adversity. I laughed a little and appreciated the pick-me up. I certainly don't feel like I have held it all together. In fact, these last few weeks now that everything has calmed down have probably been my hardest. I'm not on the go rushing to dr's appointments or driving to the coast. I had to be strong for everyone else at the beginning and now I think I finally had the time to grieve.

Thankfully I still have distractions that keep me grounded. A fairly demanding full-time job and a house full of little people and critters that depend on me (and Matt) completely for their care. We've tried to keep as much of a sense of normalcy around the kids as possible, even though we know they have picked up on some of the emotion. Plus, we all need a sense of normalcy in our lives so we don't lie around in self-pity day in and day out.

I don't even know what the purpose of this post is. And talk about jumping around from one thought to another. It is obvious I was not an English major.

So here and now...we're enjoying summer activities. We're gearing up for the first day of kindergarten. We're cheering on the Wolfpack in the NCAA baseball tourney.  We're keeping a hopeful eye towards the future and thanking God daily for the blessings in this life.