The Green Dot

We were playing Barbies before dinner today after a particularly rough afternoon around the Modlin Casa and out of the blue she said, “I put a big dot on my hand today so I will always remember Heaven. And Popsie.” This is how she talks all the time about Pops and death and heaven. Matter of fact-ly and naturally, letting it flow in and out of conversation like we were talking about the weather. I told her that I missed him and she exclaimed she certainly did too, but he is with us all the time and we can always talk to him and he is always there to listen.

My four year old seems to have a better grasp on the situation than me. My four year old still cries over her Popsie-Ray, yet she continues to have him as a part of her daily life. I think that is pretty awesome.

Me, I’m hanging in there. The sight of his truck in the driveway on Thanksgiving Eve after a white-knuckled 3+ hour drive in the rain, wind and darkness literally knocked the wind out of me.  The first time I heard his voice on the answering machine the other day made me want to slam the phone down.  A glimpse of him on my phone as I flipped through pictures during a particularly boring conference call the other day made me stop breathing.  Oh how I wish I could be like Avery and cherish the relationship I have with him now. 

It doesn’t seem real….I mean, I didn’t talk to him on the phone every day or so like I do my mom so maybe not talking to him for a few days isn’t all that out of the ordinary. But, it’s been more than a few days. When all this started last year, I truly in my heart believed he was going to be a statistic….but a GOOD statistic. The 1% that beats this beast. I mean, he was my Daddy. The one who played Atari and wrestled with me and my brother. Pitched me countless wiffle balls in the front yard and pretty much accepted a lame hunting season for several years because he let me tag along. Until I got too old to pee in the woods. Ball games, dance and piano recitals (I know those last 2 were especially painful for him!!). He was always there….so why wouldn’t I think he would win this fight?

But someone commented to me recently that he didn’t actually lose the fight; he was just healed in a different way.  And you know what, that’s exactly right. And I wanted nothing more than for him to be healed.

It’s hard to know how to act….but I think he would want me to act just like Avery. Go on with life, enjoy all the moments, love with all your might and remember that he is with us all the time. 

So I’m going to enjoy the laughter and giggles in my house right now….it’s all over simple things like Christmas ornaments and the Nativity set toy. Such joy in those little hearts this holiday season. I am going to enjoy it all. And know he is enjoying it too.